It’s time to talk about new year’s resolutions.
Some of you may recall that last year, my resolutions were related on trying to understand women. I am happy to report that I have mastered this subject, and am now searching for another subject to master.
Actually, that’s not quite correct. I originally wanted to understand them, but after trying for a solid ten or so minutes, I gave up on that resolved myself to just put up with them, not understand them. This really means the exact same thing. For example, lets imagine that the wife says that she needs to go to some store and pay some woman $40.00 to put paint on her fingernails. The obvious logical response for a man, when his wife says something like that, would be to laugh uproariously and then ground the wife and take away her credit cards. This type of response will severely curtail his opportunities to propagate the species.
But: consider if the man understands the woman. He will know how important this idiocy is to the feminine mind, and so he will say fine, and he’ll watch violent movies on TV while she’s gone. And if the man doesn’t understand her but is resolved to put up with her then he’ll say fine, and he’ll watch violent movies on TV while she’s gone.
Or, lets say that you are going to visit the in-laws. You men know how many shoes you will bring: two. One for each foot. Now, ask me how many shoes my wife has here in Norman, while we visit her parents. How many? Twelve. She has twelve shoes. She doesn’t have twelve feet, now, does she? And we’re not going to any parties. We’re not going to any weddings, or funerals, or anywhere. Why does she need twelve shoes here in Norman Oklahoma? If I could understand, I would be at peace. And I can’t understand, but I am still at peace concerning this shoe profusion, because I have accepted the irrationality of the feminine.
So men, you don’t have to understand them. Stop trying; it’s impossible. I did, and all to no avail. No, all you have to do relax, breathe, take your Prozac, and have some more Prozac, and say fine, and if you still feel negative emotions, then . . . more Prozac.
However, for 2011, I have a much better new year’s resolution.
See, men can’t understand women because they (women) are illogical and irrational. By definition, it is impossible to understand something that is ununderstandable.
However, with therapy and lessons in logic, I think we can overcome their shortcomings, and my resolution this year is to help women understand men. I am primarily discussing my wife here, although other women are free to ask me for help if they would like to improve themselves.
I really don’t think this will be all that difficult of a project. Ashlei is eager to get started, so my first order of business is a 17-lesson logic class, complete with lectures, homework, power point presentations, and tests. After that, we’ll have classes in other important logical and reasoning topics:
Cars with overlarge engines that can go much faster than is legal
Violent movies without acting or romantic intrigue
Bodily noises/scratching
Really, that’s about it. If you women can manage to wrap your estrogen warped minds around logic, cars, violence, and farts, then you should have no problem at all understanding men. In fact, the more I think about it, the more sure I am that if you women can’t understand men, it’s entirely your fault.
So come on, ladies, let’s quit worrying about what color our fingernails should be, and let’s start dealing with some more important issues!
And with that, happy new year.
